those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
