No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
