I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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