omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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