It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
