Well douche your snatch and let's go!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
