Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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