Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
