I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
