Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
