You smell like a Billy Joel song
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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