I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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