Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
