Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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