I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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