Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
