i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
