apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
