Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
