Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
