Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
