I'm sorry my penis didn't work
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
