the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
