i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
