My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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