Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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