it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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