I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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