You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
