mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it hurts more in the daytime
Small penises have feelings too.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
