You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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