If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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