You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
