It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
