When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize