Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
