I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
