I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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