So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
