# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
