So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
