Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
