The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
