I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
