I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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