Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
