found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
