And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
