hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
