I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
