We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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