it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
