I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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