That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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