I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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