dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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