its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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