Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
