Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My bed smells like the plague
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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