he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
