your parents love me but you hate me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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