Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
