he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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